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Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It irritates my close ones and workmates, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that professional help might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or being seen, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This process will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.